I’m done. I’m tired of not going after what I want. I’m tired of sitting back and waiting for something to happen rather than take life by the balls and make it happen. I’m tired of this passive aggressive way of doing things, of tippy toeing through life so as to not step on anyone else’s feet, of being indirect. Of not saying what I feel, what I want to say, out of fear for what they might think. I’m just tired of this shit.
I want to go after my desires. For the latter half of 2018 I felt like I wasn’t satisfied with where I was at. Perhaps because I was simply letting life happen to me rather than making my impact on it. I’m not satisfied here. Fort Wayne doesn’t have what I want. Don’t get me wrong, it does have some good things about it. Loving people, good friends, a few good breweries, but apart from that it feels stagnant. It feels like I came here, made some progress, and hit a wall. Actually, I felt the stagnancy within the first few months of being here. But I feel like there is more, more for me and more for this place, but I don’t quite feel like I could bring in this “more” without going out and finding it for myself.
I feel like leaving. Like going somewhere far where nobody knows me but the King. My heart has been yearning for more for a while now. “Mores” such as romance, adventure, faith, power, family, intimacy. Perhaps it’s time to stop making excuses and ignoring the heart. Perhaps it’s time to go after my heart’s desires.
And who knows, maybe this blog is partly part of the problem. Maybe it feeds the passive aggressive tendencies. Maybe I should stop writing about some things and go be a living epistle. Go live by a tenacious faith, go explore the city of dreams and the halls of faith, go find my own romance on the dance floor, go burn the world through the word of the Lord, and not just speak the word but be the Word, be the Flame and the Unburnt.
All I know is that for a while now I’ve been feeling like it’s time for something new. What that new looks like, I’m not sure, but the Father feeds the little sparrows so how much more me. We’ll see where the Spirit takes me in this next season. Who knows, I may even move…