Okay maybe not 1000. Not initially. But every time it happens the pain grows exponentially and eventually you get there. This place where you don’t want to try again because the next time around it’ll be 10,000. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just the mere rejection that invites this pain. It’s the thoughts that arise, the doubts, the questioning of oneself. Is it me that’s doing something wrong? Why is this a continual pattern. What am I doing wrong? You get it.
Or maybe you don’t. Maybe it is just me. Maybe it’s the rejection I’ve been through in past times. And to top it off, the divorce I underwent, the cherry on top, the ultimate F U. The one who says to you, “till death do us part,” changes their mind, says no more, and leaves you to fend for yourself… well at least that’s what happened to me. And perhaps this is why I’m single… because the pain of that type of rejection isn’t something I’d wish on anyone.
Maybe I’m afraid. Afraid to love once again, afraid to even try. Yet despite this fear there is such a grandiose desire for this type of love, for romance, for intimacy with a beloved, a best friend, a wife. But for now I stand here stuck, tending to the wounds of a 1000 knives, hoping that when courage rises up from within to love again, things will be different, that this time it’ll last.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend about some things that I have been feeling as of late and I was reminded about something I was told during a 1 on 1 session with an old friend. He told me that He wanted to see me express my heart more.
You see if I would compare myself to a Wizard of Oz character, it would be the cowardly Lion. Not so much because he was a coward, but because he lacked heart. And no, I’m not saying I’m heartless or anything like that, but at times I do feel like the expression of it has been suppressed. To delve into the heart can be scary, because you never know what you’re going to find. It’s a mess sometimes, and that’s fine. I’ve grown accustomed to being very cerebral in life… and I feel like I keep hitting walls because of that. I don’t feel like explaining that but I’ll say this. Logic is very rigid in the way it functions, but we are not meant to live off of logic. The heart, on the other hand, is rooted in Life. And life in no way shape or form is rigid. Life is fluid, life is malleable, life is free, life is interactive, life will bend in the midst of a storm and persist, life always is. Logic/reason is a concrete wall. It may keep you from adversity for a while, but a bit too much tension and it will break. Believe me, you won’t be in a good place when that happens.
Why am I saying all this? Because it’s time to embrace my Heart. It will be a journey. But life is a journey. Life is growth. Life is ever expanding beauty. It’s time to let go of rigid notions of destinations and things of that nature. It’s time to embrace the journey, to embrace the quest of the Heart.
I see you
Not out here in this grand conglomeration of events, circumstance, and matter
No, not there
I see you within.
I remember when I first saw you
A cute little thing
As serene Winter’s grace
The grand crescendo of two becoming one
Beauty like no other
Like the first snowfall of the winter season
Elegance and peace follow you
You wear them as a dress only fit for the greatest of Queens.
I know you are a seed, but daughter, you are a good seed
Even now do I love you
I will watch you blossom and unfold
And when you sprout, we will meet.
I remember a time back when I was in college when I was thinking about the 5 fold ministries (in Ephesians). I thought to myself, “if I could function in any of the 5 ministries which would it be,” to which I replied, “a prophet.” But why a prophet? My reasoning had less to do with the function itself and more to do with my hearts desires… Because I felt like the people that know (and have known) God the best are prophets. I wanted to know God… plain and simple.
I mean, look at the prophets throughout the scriptures. Many times their lives were very misunderstood, but they knew God. They knew His voice. They knew His power. They knew His wonders. They knew His provision. They knew His rest. They knew His might. They knew His wisdom. They KNOW Him… So as I read the scriptures and communed with the lives of these men and women, Moses, Elijah, David, Elisha, Isaiah, Daniel, Mary, etc. (you know who they are), something in me was stirred up, the desire of the eternal KNOWING of the Lord. (This isn’t to say that the other 4 ministries don’t know God as intimately as a prophet, that was just my train of thought at the time.)
Why am I writing about this now? Because for the last year or so I’ve been pondering my heart’s desires and I find that there has been one constant. A desire to YADA the Lord. A desire to know through intimate union. I want what they had, and More. For that is the portion of the children of God, the knowing of their FATHER. That is our Inheritance.