I remember the time that you brought up that dreadful word.
Why did I agree? Why did I go along with the stupid game. I never had. Why this time…
Only, to you it wasn’t a game. You were done, over it all, over me, or so it seems.
You come to me with stories about how things may still turn to be, like a Disney fantasy or a beautiful fairy tale, yet I see something different.
I see she who was once mine off seeking another.
You want this to “work out” in the end? It’s hard to say whether I want that at all anymore.
Yet your specter still haunts me wherever I go. Around every corner, behind every book, in every minute insignificant thing that no one in their right minds would give any shits about, there you are. I walk through a door and I remember the times that we’ve walked through there together, or I see the cracked window, the room, the dog, the blanket, the house, the holidays etc etc… All of that on top of the countless memories of times with you, the good and the bad… and then there’s the pictures. The cherry on top, the slap on the face. We looked so happy together. Why did it all have to end like this? Was it really worth it?
I know you ask yourself that question. You doubt yourself. Should I have left? When you asked me if you were making a mistake, I told you that you had to figure that out yourself. Honestly, it’s hard to think otherwise. I could go on about how this “word” is commonplace in your family, how it was so easy for you to bring it up, blah blah blah; but what does that all matter.
The fact of the matter is that I love you but I feel bitter towards you. I want you back yet at times I don’t. And it’s not really that I don’t, just that the bitterness of it all make the hurts and the pains hurt all the more. Yet I wish you were here. I wish none of this would have ever happened. I imagine you with your head on my shoulder, the warmth of your body, the smell of your hair, the affections of your love, and I can’t help but wish you were still here…
I know it wasn’t all your fault. I was to blame too. I should have never said “yes” to that word, divorce. One “I do” was enough. I just wish your heart would have returned, or rather never have left, as mine never did.
Though I may at times feel anger towards you, bitterness, resent, those things will pass… Know that I love you, now and forever. If you need me, find me, call me, whatever it is. I’ll be there, or I’ll at least do my best to be. I do miss you, so so much. Take care, okay? Find joy, find happiness, find love, find what makes your heart come alive. And remember, my heart is for you, never against you, regardless of what I may say or do, I love you, and that will endure.